i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
