i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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