When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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