My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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