My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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