Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My breasts were aching with rage.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
