Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
