Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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