I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
