I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
