I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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