When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
