You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
