i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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