Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
