She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
