so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
