The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
