yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
