Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
