I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
