I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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