no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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