Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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