the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
