then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
