Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
