I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
