I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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