I hate your face
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
