he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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