If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She tied me up with her honor cords...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
