It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
