yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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