i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you didnt know i had herpes?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
