NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
