He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
