Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just gargled with NyQuil
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
