Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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