You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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