also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
