my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
