I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
