Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
