I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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