she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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