I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
