Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I am available for nakedness
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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