At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
