ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
