After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
