Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
