how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he was CRYING into my vagina
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She bit a glass in half.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
