there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
