3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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