My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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