The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
